After many years of trying and failing to eat properly I finally got the hang of it last summer through the support and inspiration of someone very close to me. I’ve kept at it ever since and despite a few minor relapses I’ve been surprised at how habit forming healthy eating has become. Still, it takes eternal vigilance. I realized I was eating bacon a lot when I went to the Gracie Mews for breakfast so I recently started substituting tomato slices for bacon slices. I do notice the difference. It’s like trading orgasmic for organic. Close, but not really. I suspect my arteries are much happier though (pigs, too) so some good has come of it. And I do appreciate bacon all the more when I do order it. And before you say it, yes, I’ve tried turkey bacon, and like big, bloody volcanoes, it should be banned.

I’ll be flying to Canada next week. I imagine most of the refugees in the airports will be cleared out by then, but if not I’ll bring along some extra snacks and maybe some books and crossword puzzles to hand out to the bored and desperate. As frustrated and disappointed as I am at not getting to go to London for a week I am fortunate that I wasn’t stuck at an airport.

Heathrow remains closed and my trip to London is dead. Of course it could have been worse, and I could have been at the airport waiting for hours to hear, or in a plane with stalled engines silently gliding back to earth, but I’m still disappointed and wondering when the police are going to do something about volcanoes? Haven’t they caused enough death and destruction over the centuries? Isn’t it about time we stood up to volcanoes and said “No more!” Arrest them, lock them up, and throw away the key. We need to show these lava and ash spewing monsters who’s boss.

A huge, huge thanks to Giuliano at the Flemings Mayfair Hotel in London for calling Orbitz and getting everything straightened out for me. Now THAT’S customer service.

Chris, currently doing the Snoopy happy dance

The most surreal part so far is that I’ve been able to get no less than six Orbitz employees on email and online chat respond to me directly and quickly only to tell me I need to call one number and one number only which, as it happens, won’t respond. Apparently there are a slew of people at Orbitz whose job it is is to tell people how much they can’t help them. It’s like that episode in Yes, Minister with the hospital fully staffed with doctors and nurses and it runs perfectly as long as they don’t admit any patients.

What’s even more farcical is that while I can call the hotel I was going to stay at and tell them I’m not going to be there on account of that big, bloody volcano, the hotel can’t officially cancel my reservation until Orbitz tells them about the big, bloody volcano, and according to all the folks at Orbitz I do talk to about the big, bloody volcano it turns out that their job is to tell me how they can’t help me and that I need to call Orbitz to tell them about this big, bloody volcano except when I call it seems they’re too busy to answer, perhaps because I’m not the only one trying to tell them about the big, bloody volcano which suggests that maybe, just maybe, Orbitz have heard about this big, bloody volcano by now which is entirely possible seeing as my airline canceled my flight which I booked through Orbitz on account of the big, bloody volcano. I would have thought that might have given the folks at Orbitz a bit of a hint, you know, that something was up.

It’s entirely possible I’ve suffered a seizure, died, and am now in hell and this is my punishment. I can only conclude that I was really, really evil when I was alive.