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I’ll be flying to Canada next week. I imagine most of the refugees in the airports will be cleared out by then, but if not I’ll bring along some extra snacks and maybe some books and crossword puzzles to hand out to the bored and desperate. As frustrated and disappointed as I am at not getting to go to London for a week I am fortunate that I wasn’t stuck at an airport.

Heathrow remains closed and my trip to London is dead. Of course it could have been worse, and I could have been at the airport waiting for hours to hear, or in a plane with stalled engines silently gliding back to earth, but I’m still disappointed and wondering when the police are going to do something about volcanoes? Haven’t they caused enough death and destruction over the centuries? Isn’t it about time we stood up to volcanoes and said “No more!” Arrest them, lock them up, and throw away the key. We need to show these lava and ash spewing monsters who’s boss.

A huge, huge thanks to Giuliano at the Flemings Mayfair Hotel in London for calling Orbitz and getting everything straightened out for me. Now THAT’S customer service.

Chris, currently doing the Snoopy happy dance

The most surreal part so far is that I’ve been able to get no less than six Orbitz employees on email and online chat respond to me directly and quickly only to tell me I need to call one number and one number only which, as it happens, won’t respond. Apparently there are a slew of people at Orbitz whose job it is is to tell people how much they can’t help them. It’s like that episode in Yes, Minister with the hospital fully staffed with doctors and nurses and it runs perfectly as long as they don’t admit any patients.

What’s even more farcical is that while I can call the hotel I was going to stay at and tell them I’m not going to be there on account of that big, bloody volcano, the hotel can’t officially cancel my reservation until Orbitz tells them about the big, bloody volcano, and according to all the folks at Orbitz I do talk to about the big, bloody volcano it turns out that their job is to tell me how they can’t help me and that I need to call Orbitz to tell them about this big, bloody volcano except when I call it seems they’re too busy to answer, perhaps because I’m not the only one trying to tell them about the big, bloody volcano which suggests that maybe, just maybe, Orbitz have heard about this big, bloody volcano by now which is entirely possible seeing as my airline canceled my flight which I booked through Orbitz on account of the big, bloody volcano. I would have thought that might have given the folks at Orbitz a bit of a hint, you know, that something was up.

It’s entirely possible I’ve suffered a seizure, died, and am now in hell and this is my punishment. I can only conclude that I was really, really evil when I was alive.

This chat may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes. Please wait for an Orbitz Customer Service agent to respond.

My name is Tanya, how may I assist you today?

Chris: Hi, Tanya: I’m trying to cancel my hotel reservation in London as my flight has been canceled due to the volcano.

Tanya: Hi Chris.

Tanya: How may I help you.

Chris: Hi, Tanya: I’m trying to cancel my hotel reservation in London as my flight has been canceled due to the volcano.

Tanya: Okay let me check that for you.

Tanya: For security purposes, may I have the billing zip code on the account please?

Chris: REDACTED

Tanya: Thank you for that.

Tanya: Is this the reservation to London 4/17/10?

Chris: Yes

Tanya: Thank you.

Tanya: Please give me a few minutes as I check that for you.

Chris: Here’s the phone number for the hotel REDACTED

Chris: You can also email them at REDACTED

Tanya: Thank you for that so. give me 2-3 minutes to check with them.

Tanya: Thank you for waiting.

Tanya: I try to call the hotel for you, the line was busy, what I can advise you can chat back with us after an hour or you can try to call our customer service department 888 656 4546 / 001-312-416-0018 to assist you better.

Chris: I can’t get through to your service department on the phone and I don’t understand why you can’t talk with the hotel. Are you dialing the proper country code for London, England? I need this situation resolved and would like your help.

Tanya: Yes I am dialing the correct number 3x but the line is so very busy.

Chris: I’ll try it now.

Tanya: Okay.

Tanya: Is there anything else that I may assist you with today?

Chris: Yes, call again. I just got through to the hotel so their number is not that busy.

Tanya: Okay let me try it here.

Tanya: Thank you for waiting, I try to call the hotel right now for 5 times and the phoen was still busy.

Chris: Interesting. Please email them then at REDACTED and tell them I am canceling my reservation or allow me to cancel it myself.

Tanya: As much as I wanted to try to help you with this you have to call our customer service so that they can help and assist you better 001-312-416-0018

Chris: That doesn’t answer my question and doesn’t help me resolve this situation. Again, please email the hotel and tell them I am canceling my reservation. Thanks.

Tanya: You are welcome, kindly call our customer service department so that they can assist you better.

Chris: Who’s on first.

At which point I cried and laughed and then went and sat silently in the corner for a while. Meanwhile, my hotel reservation is still not canceled.