The most surreal part so far is that I’ve been able to get no less than six Orbitz employees on email and online chat respond to me directly and quickly only to tell me I need to call one number and one number only which, as it happens, won’t respond. Apparently there are a slew of people at Orbitz whose job it is is to tell people how much they can’t help them. It’s like that episode in Yes, Minister with the hospital fully staffed with doctors and nurses and it runs perfectly as long as they don’t admit any patients.

What’s even more farcical is that while I can call the hotel I was going to stay at and tell them I’m not going to be there on account of that big, bloody volcano, the hotel can’t officially cancel my reservation until Orbitz tells them about the big, bloody volcano, and according to all the folks at Orbitz I do talk to about the big, bloody volcano it turns out that their job is to tell me how they can’t help me and that I need to call Orbitz to tell them about this big, bloody volcano except when I call it seems they’re too busy to answer, perhaps because I’m not the only one trying to tell them about the big, bloody volcano which suggests that maybe, just maybe, Orbitz have heard about this big, bloody volcano by now which is entirely possible seeing as my airline canceled my flight which I booked through Orbitz on account of the big, bloody volcano. I would have thought that might have given the folks at Orbitz a bit of a hint, you know, that something was up.

It’s entirely possible I’ve suffered a seizure, died, and am now in hell and this is my punishment. I can only conclude that I was really, really evil when I was alive.